Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-10-22T18:10:39-05:00 2 daily To the older woman watching me buying condoms - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/889660321.html I was the 20 something guy holding two bottles of chardonay in the condom section of the Dominick's. You were the lovely lady in her 50's peering over my shoulder as I made my selection. I was not aware of your presence until the audible gasp when I reached for a box of ribbed magnums. My date did not go exactly as planned; the wine went down ok but I forgot to use the magnums in the heat of the moment and I think I may have gotten the clap. Long story short I still have a dozen condoms left over if you are interested in going out sometime... <ul> <li> Location: Schaumburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-10-22T18:10:39-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/889660321.html To the older woman watching me buying condoms - m4w text To My Missed Missed Connection - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/887304303.html Are you a beautiful woman that has posted a Missed Connection on Craigslist? Did that guy you lusted after never get back to you? Well, I am sorry that I missed your missed connections post. I am way too busy to read every one of these posts so I am going to make this simple. I thought you were hot too. I cant remember where you saw me but I am sure that I noticed you too, so if you will just remind me where we saw each other and what exactly you looked like (a photo would be great for this) I am sure we can pick up right where we left off and you can take me home with you. I will be everything you dreamed of. Waiting for you... -- The Guy who missed your Missed Connections post. * Whatever fantasy you have created in your head since you posted we can play out ** I may look like someone completely different <ul> <li> Location: here <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-10-21T01:14:52-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/887304303.html To My Missed Missed Connection - m4w text To the two annoying chicks on the Red Line tonight - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/873554884.html Hey! Remember me? I was the dude in the green hoodie trying to read the AV Club. I was sitting next to my friend in a red hoodie. You were two loud, crazy bitches. The one on the left had a red something or other on, with platinum blond hair, an owl pendant, and a septum piercing. Maybe leopard print leggings. The other one was not at all notable, so I cannot comment on anything about her. Did you guys decide that one of you would carry the burden of both your wacky fashion quotas? So we were just chilling out, talking about the show we just came from when you accosted my friend (I can't blame you, even I realize that he's an attractive fellow) and told him to dance. But not a regular dance, a weird-assed jump-in-the-air-and-spasm-at-the-apex thing. Sort of like what might happen at the very end of an anime, when the young protagonist jumps and goes YEAAAHHHH, and everything freezes when he reaches the top, providing a backdrop for the credits to roll over. Man, we were just chilling! It was a good night, and we were tired and chatting about things. We were two Dudes, and we were in a Place. Why did you have to do a Thing? Why did you have to grab my friend by the hand and yank him out of his seat and make him do that in front of the whole goddamn train? Someone was clapping after. And it wasn't the good kind of clapping. They wouldn't even pull that shit in Gitmo. And the worst part? You were both clearly trying to emulate a cross between the chicks from Ghost World with Natalie Portman in Garden State. Except that none of those characters would have a conversation about MADtv that was so unabashedly pro-MADtv. What is this, West Virginia? You said you were from Massachusetts, but you didn't say you were from Boston, so we'll just assume that you were both super-dee-duper excited to be out of the suburbs and in a real goddamn metropolis, where the trains actually run all night, and the cigarettes are expensive. But do us all a favor and leave your megaquirky ZOMG! bullshit at the mall in East Bumblefuck where it belongs. Now, I don't mean to hate. Maybe its the fact that I'm a former New Yorker; yeah its got freaks and artists and drunk chicks, but everyone knows their goddamn place. I understand the need to make public spaces a little more chill, give them a splash of right-brained-ness or whatever the fuck. But we are talking about public transportation, at night, on a line that services the whole city; people of all walks of life, with one thing in common: we're tired. If it were a car full of some Blue Line jockeys going to buy some scarves at the Damen stop, then sure, go to town, let the hipsters sneer at you. But the Red Line is different. That shit goes to the Southside. There is a Code, and it should be followed. Please, don't apologize. Just don't ever do it again. <ul> <li> Location: Southbound Red Line <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-10-10T01:42:54-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/873554884.html To the two annoying chicks on the Red Line tonight - m4w text Baby Bird - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/845075963.html I'm fed up with watersports and feel Constrained by traditional dominant- submissive roles? I want to try a more nurturing role: feed me like a baby pelican! Both sexes welcome, males preferred. I will supply the raw herring and you bring the big strap-on beak. No weirdos. <ul> <li> Location: Your House <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-17T20:48:20-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/845075963.html Baby Bird - w4m text Missed Connections Support Group -- forming NOW! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/836807324.html Missed Connections Support Group Unable to function due to an addiction to Missed Connections? Always looking for your MC? Join us. This is a support group that will progress through several stages, as described below: Stage 1: Help, I see myself in every MC During this stage, we will study and scrutinize Missed Connections posts to see which ones could possibly apply to us. Expect to hear some arguing along the lines of: It is obviously for me. Its MAN for WOMAN! Its mine! She obviously hit the wrong choice in her haste to contact me via an anonymous message board! This stage is hopeful and will thus involve few tears. However, intense mood swings may occur. Stage 2: Help! He/She is obviously dead/in a coma/stuck in the sewer system/incarcerated. (average member reaches stage 2 in 1 to 3 weeks) During this stage, we will panic. Close readings of all missed connections posts reveal that they are NOT in fact for us. Our love interests have not contacted us in days/weeks! This is unlike he/she. Well, kind of unlike he/she. Well, unlike the he/she we have chosen to remember. We will call hospitals, jails, and study the obituaries. Problems may arise when we only have first names or vague descriptions. Private investigators may have to be contacted, and we thus may have to introduce dues during this stage. Stage 3: Fucking Asshole. He/she is in fact alive. I saw him/her at the grocery store/laundromat/bar/ A mutual acquaintance confirmed his/her ongoing existence. I hate him/her. (average member reaches stage 3 in 1 to 3 months) This stage involves planning. Scheming, really. How will we extract revenge? Motherfucker has fucked us for life. We will never truly love again. We were so pure, so innocent, so full of hope. Now we are all cynics. The faint of heart may have to excuse themselves from the group at this point. This is no-holds-barred revenge. Violence is excused and even encouraged. We no longer care if he/she thinks were insane. He/she is probably right. Stage 4: Time to begin again. During this stage, fellow support group members are encouraged to hook up. These new relationships will most likely be abusive and dysfunctional, as weve all been hurt and feel the need to continue the cycle of disappointment. Problems may arise when we realize we are all hopeless romantics/masochists, and our fellow group members dont torture/ignore/abuse us in the way we desire. The flames will die out shortly. However, after the demise of these relationships, we will remember one another very, very fondly and become obsessed. Most likely we will need to re-form a support group within weeks or months. The following will be provided at support group: Copious amounts of liquor. A room reserved for screaming/gnashing of teeth. A dart board (please provide your own picture). Wireless Internet access. Several boxes of tissue. Please remember that support group members may be at a different stage than you are. Act with consideration. The group already meets nightly at my house. Members currently include myself and my dog. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-11T13:45:07-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/836807324.html Missed Connections Support Group -- forming NOW! text Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/814181712.html We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn't even need to socialize with anyone, just drink. the birthday is on Friday, Sept. 5th in Bucktown. Oh, did I mention that the clown needs to get shitfaced. Don't worry, we will purchase all the drinks. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: We will pay per hour and cover all the drinks </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-26T15:22:43-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/814181712.html Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party text Autographed Copy of Plato's Republic http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/748263604.html 1st edition of The Republic signed by its author. There is of course a reasonable amount of wear and tear, (light highlighting and underlining, dog-eared pages, back cover missing, etc.), but it is in overall good condition considering its age. First come first serve <ul> <li> Location: chicago loop <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T11:00:00-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/748263604.html Autographed Copy of Plato's Republic text Gynecological table ISO a good home http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/735090571.html Once upon a time I loved her intensely. She came to me via a Dominatrix, who had acquired her from a birthing center. After years of hard labor, she had come to rest in the sunny corner of my living room, to live out her days quietly napping and collecting dust. She has always been the ugly red-headed step child of my furniture, but she didn't mind. She would take attention where she got it, even if only a house guest mounting her for laughs. Now she sits around and mopes, taking up my entire living room because I am moving to Japan and won't take her with me. The home she needs has to be full of love, or queer perversion, or both. Tell me a little about yourself, and why you think you could give her a good home, and she is yours. Creepy guys with pick-up trucks from downstate who want to put it in their house of horrors need not apply. p.s. You must be able to move it yourself, and yes: there are stairs involved! This takes at least two very strong people, cuz she is a big girl! <ul> <li> Location: andersonville <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-27T17:40:18-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/735090571.html Gynecological table ISO a good home text Cop who gave me a ticket for drinkng in public - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/703840689.html We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real interested in me: you took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn't even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascination with me a little flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a gals gotta be on her guard these days though. Still, it's not very flirty to take down my DL number. Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn't have to go if I don't want to. You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you're being coy about our second encounter? What gives? Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We'd have to go dutch since I'll be spending my date money on the fine you gave me but you seemed like a pretty independent woman so I don't suspect you'll have too much of a problem with that. You were really pretty with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing "stella" with a proper French accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately figure out zany ways to thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It'd be great. Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date? <ul> <li> Location: Western and Lincoln <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-01T16:46:17-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/703840689.html Cop who gave me a ticket for drinkng in public - m4w text Rant: Person with a wooden leg that lives above me. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/652643356.html I have no idea who you are. I do not know if youre male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg. It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims. First of all, if you arent a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. Now Ive lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind. At first I thought it might be sex. You know, the old headboard pounding the wall. I would be impressed if that were the case, but I doubt that. The noise moves when you move, so it cant be the headboard. If it were, then I would REALLY be impressed. Hell, you even knocked the light fixture off of the ceiling in my foyer after some intense peg-leg floor pounding. I was picking glass out of my feet for a few weeks after that! Not bad for what could potentially be some afternoon delight. The reason I dont believe you are getting laid is because the noise occurs quite literally at ALL hours of the day. 4AM? You bet. 4PM? Sure shit. 1AM? Of course. 2:47PM? Why not? If I were able to link the noise to a certain time pattern or a certain location, I could be more certain it might be sex, say on a bed with wheels that moves freely about your place with each thrust. (As I type this now, youre making some pretty loud bumps and booms). Maybe you are just a really aggressive masturbator? Lastly, I havent seen a single couple enter this building to confirm that fact that someone might be getting laid. Ive tried to describe the noise you create to many people saying It quite literally sounds like an overweight pirate with one peg leg pacing back and forth only to get strange looks in returnas you can imagine. Skeptical as they may be, their hesitations in believing my claims were put to rest as soon as they visited my apartment. One by one my friends, as well as some family, visited my place all to confirm the noises I reported were indeed, real. Each of them spent a few minutes speculating about what the noise could potentially be. Honestly, the only thing we have all deduced is that you arent having sex. This is undoubtedly, an unfortunate conclusion on your part. Perhaps you are trying to teach yourself how to walk with stilts and you are trying to master the art one leg at a time before attempting both stilts at once. Maybe youre practicing for the Olympics in Chicago in 2016 and have set up some uneven bars and are trying desperately to stick the landing. Whatever youre doing, could you please ease up? I do not enjoy replacing all of my picture frames that have either fallen off my walls or from my shelves. Nor do I enjoy being awaken at all hours of the night only to have to wonder what it is youre really doing up there, whether they be innocent or slightly sexually deviant. My alarm goes off before 6AM due to having one of those job things so a good nights sleep is important. Thanks in advance and if you really are an obese pirate, please dont break into my apartment and steal my bootyor my food. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-22T20:58:48-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/652643356.html Rant: Person with a wooden leg that lives above me. text Breakup Lesson # 1 - Don't fuck with someone who has naked pics of you http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/623387629.html 6 years. 6 motherfucking years. What the hell. I had always figured we'd work it out. I chalked up your alcoholism, selfishness, infidelity, lying and depression to personality quirks that would work themselves out as you matured, despite the obvious contention that you had four years on me. I genuinely loved you and despite everything, I know you loved me too. I think I've learned that while you can't control who you love, you sure as hell can control whether or not you allow yourself to stay with them. But 6 years kid. That's really what pisses me off the most. And we're not talking just any 6 years. 19-25. Those are my prime fucking years. Do you know how many times I shot down a sweet, charming, intelligent girl in line at starbucks. Or shunned the advances of the admittedly moronic but still dam sexy hipster girls at Estelle's. Oh, and that INCREDIBLE chick who I bought the car from and was nearly floored by the instant chemistry. Fuck yes, I took note of those situations and countless others. But the difference between you and I is that I have the character and morality to honor my word and I was faithful. In 6 years, not once did I so much as even slip. Where is your character? You're comming up fast on 30.....you still drink until you pass out on the weekends. Your writing has been suffering and quickly sliding down hill for nearly two years now. You haven't been published in 6 months. You're starting to look weathered and rapidly approaching the stereotypical "bar whore" look. Honestly, I'm not saying this to hurt you. Granted I'm pissed. I really am. In my fucking bed? Seriously? You have your own fucking place? What was it, for the thrill? And then you have the nerve to call me an animal when I take a few swings at the guy after he threatens me in my own home? I bet he didn't seem quite so sexy laying on the floor of my bedroom crying about calling the police while holding his broken nose. Nice choice in men, gives me a reason to do some self reflection. And you wonder why I would never fuck you without a condom.... This life you've chosen. It's beyond destructive. And I feel sorry for you. I truly hope you get it together one day. You're talented, beautiful and deep, deep, deep, deep down.....somewhat of a decent person. But as for us. Not a chance. So here's how this is going to work. I know we're both strong willed but kid, you know I always end up with the upper hand in life. 1) Your "perceived" infiltration into my social circles is hereby null and void. Because it's over (and I mean over) I can finally say, everyone hated you. You were rude, obnoxious, pretentious and trendy. Your intelligence is not an "excuse-all." Cutting people down shouldn't be a hobby. Don't call ANYONE, or do the usual "invite yourself" anywhere. Trust me, they won't be calling you. I've been hearing for 5 years how I need to leave you. In fact, we're having a party tomorrow and I fully plan on getting laid. If by chance, we stumble into each-other somewhere....YOU WILL LEAVE, immediately. 2) You will Fedex via Priority Overnight, first thing Monday morning, the following: a) all my LP's b) all documents I have saved on your computer (even though I have copies you plagiarizing bitch) c) three shirts, two pairs of jeans, countless socks & boxers - no pervy you can't keem them, d) my training gloves & heavy bag gloves e) my ipod f) my ideas notebook g) any clippings you've made of my stories or articles (plagiarizing bitch) 3) the tiffany's ring - fucking keep it. I'd sell it and get a high class whore just to spite you anyway. 4) You may no longer speak to any member of my family. End of story. I know you and my mom are chummy, not anymore. she's getting the same talk. but in a much nicer way. 5) you are barred from the following establishments due to my usual patronage: the uptown barnes and noble, the green mill, danny's, club foot, estelle's, the lincoln tap and the zebra lounge. All the other common places are fair game, but please note the last sentence of stipulation #1 5 simple things and everything remains copacetic. and why will you do all these things? especially when you're about the most vindictive and drama craving individual I know. Because despite all the craziness we were extremely compatible in the bedroom. And hell, dare I go out on a limb and admit that maybe you were even just a tad kinkier than me? No doubt your subconscious recognized the fact that I was the more trustworthy of the two and hence the logic behind myself being the "keeper" of our visual record of our bedroom activities. thousands of them. and oddly enough, most of them are of you. of the two of us, I'm the one more comfortable with their body, I could give a shit if one of your friends sees my my cock or my ass. Hell, if I get drunk enough one night, they might just see it anyway. I know Amy has been bugging you for a threesome for years, something tells me she might just be a phone call away. But let's keep this civil. No need for threats or anything of the sort. I just want my shit back and never, I MEAN NEVER, to see or hear from you again. Sound fair? 6 months from now, if all the above conditions are met within a reasonable time frame you have my word I will delete them all. And my word.....well, we both know it's my bond. Good luck to you kid. Hope you get it together. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: My Hard Drive <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-29T17:49:24-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/623387629.html Breakup Lesson # 1 - Don't fuck with someone who has naked pics of you text Reactions to small dick! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/595498265.html I have a very small penis. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I've come to terms with it and now I've even found someone who will date me in spite of it. Nevertheless, the moment when I expose myself has always provided a bit of consternation and some interest moments. At the suggestion of some others on other board, I'm posting a few anecdotes based on this experience. Enjoy. From a blonde who was chewing gum at the time..."So, I mean, is this it???" "Yikes, Andrea said you were small but...wow!" From another girl, holding it between her index finger and thumb, "Why don't you just use your hand." I had just gone home with a girl who provided some 420 fun, "Wow...I hope you know how to eat this cooch!" From a girl who gave me oral, "Well at least there's no chance I'll gag!" Doggystyle and balls deep, "C'mon baby, you can do it!" From a sweet girl with a complete look of shock, "Well, it makes your balls look really big." "Oh, cute. It's like a little button!" "Do you think it'll ever get any bigger?" "Do you mind if I just rub it for a while?" And after I came, "Wow, I never thought something so small would make such a mess!" From the drunk girls... "You've got to be kidding me! Can I take a picture of that!?!?" Giggling..."I've seen small cocks before but goddam" "Sorry, but this is just f'ing pointless!" As soon as I lowered my pants, "You poor thing!" After sex and cuddling, "I should hook you up with my friend Stacy. She was saying that small dicks don't bother her." Mean drunk girl, "I seriously think this is the size of a paperclip. I mean one of those bigger ones." She actually got a paperclip out of her purse and compared. On breaking up.. "Good luck ever finding someone who wants that pindick." "I'm telling every single one of my friends that you have a three inch cock. Keep fucking whining and I won't even exaggerate that much!" "I lied. It is by FAR the smallest fucking cock I've ever seen." When I found out she was cheating and demanded the truth, "Oh my God, you sniveling little fuck. Because his cock is long and fat and I can actually feel it slide into me."   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-04T14:52:58-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/595498265.html Reactions to small dick! text RANT: Guys that can't keep a fucking secret!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/516438571.html This rant goes out to all of the guys here that can't keep a fucking secret!!!! YOU FUCKING RUINED CRAIGSLIST!!!!! Two years ago this was a virtual sex den for guys to hookup with women, couples, gay bois, and trannies! Now, because some of you fucking assholes couldn't keep a good thing to yourselves, your big ass pie holes have turned CL into an adult movie arcade!!!! You know, the one where you pretend you're "browsing" for 3 hours when in fact you're waiting for that "hit or miss" cocksucker to show up! AND when one finally does, you jostle into line with a bunch of other "horny" guys with their wangs out!!! 1) The women on W4M are rare and the few that show up are bombarded with 100 creepy guys looking to get laid! Friday Flash is folklore because of the dumbass guys berating ladies showing their tits! 2) The fucking prices on Erotic Encounters have gotten out of control! Fatass skanks that had to give discounts to compete with top shelf girls like Sarah and Isabella are now charging double because hard up dickheads are willing to pay anything for some snatch! NOT TO MENTION THE STING OPERATIONS!!!! 3) In the M4M section a "Top" was a rare commodity and a "Married" guy would have offers of cocksuckers willing to pay for the opportunity to suck cock! Now the tables have turned and now you must be these cumsluts type!!!! "Emails without a face and cock pic will get deleted" was never uttered from cocksuckers!!!! 4) Couples in MW4M were abundant. Meet at a bar, pork the wife and blow your load on the hubby, bada bing..bada boom! Now, couples are holding fucking interviews and looking over your tax returns!!!! 5) The T4M section was exotic, mysterious, and filled with hot and sexy gurls like Amaya begging for cocks and some booze. Now, guys fight over the chance to rump wrangle grandpa wearing a wig! 6) Finally Rants & Raves!!!! It's called "RANTS & RAVES"!!!! You RAVE about something or RANT about something!!! Now, it's a bunch of trolls!!!! Chicago R&R used to be good for a "best of" consistenly!!! Now, there's nothing but flamers, flaggers, and porn junkies!!!! So, for all of you fucking loose-lipped guys who told all of your buddies about Craigslist because you talk more than a bunch of women having afternoon tea......NICE GOING ASSHOLES!!!!!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-21T16:10:34-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/516438571.html RANT: Guys that can't keep a fucking secret!!! text Things I've learned http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/507274572.html I've been married for 15 years. Sometimes it's been great, sometimes it's really sucked, and sometimes we just plugged along because time keeps moving. Being an observant person, here's some things I've learned along the way: 1) Ladies, we really, honestly can't read your mind. Please, please help us out on this: Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Save the "If I say this then they'll think the opposite" shit for your manipulative friends. We really aren't smart enough to figure out what you mean if you say the opposite of what you want us to do. 2) Ladies, withholding sex from us is not in your best interest. We really do think about sex a lot, and when you withhold it thinking that we'll do things for you that we're not doing, you're asking for trouble. If you gave us MORE sex, we'd be more likely to do those things. Seriously. And sex more often means we can control ourselves better, so we'll last longer to satisfy you. Seriously. 3) We're not good with verbal lists longer than three items. You want us to pick up milk, bread, eggs AND get gas in the car AND don't forget to stop by the post office to pick up stamps? This is what we heard, "Eggs... gas... office," and now we think we should buy some Gas-X so you won't break wind at work. WRITE. IT. DOWN. Seems like a hassle, I know, but it will save time in the long run. Really. 4) Yes, we did just look at that cute thing that walked by and smiled at us. No, we aren't interested in her, because you're giving us lots of sex as was mentioned in point #2. 5) Please don't ask us what we're feeling. Unless it's anger (which we totally understand) or sadness (which is only a 'sometimes-undersand'), we don't "feel" things like you do. Ask us what we think. We like to fix stuff. We want to be your hero, your protecter, the man who fixes things for you when you're hurt or upset or whatever. What we can't deal with is when you complain about that same things over and over and over and not let us do anything about it. Either let us fix it, or let us know we can't fix it then tell us once and let it go. 6) Guys: Take out the fucking trash without being asked. Even if it's not full, take it out, and then (and this is IMPORTANT!) replace the bag in the can! Just do it. She WILL notice (because she's taking it out now). 7) Stop bitching about her to your guy friends. NOW. When she finds out about what you say, she WILL remember it. FOREVER. And she won't forget it - even if you apologize. If the guys ask what's up with your wife/gf, say she's under a lot of stress and leave it at that. If they press, just say, "Well, she does have to put up with ME." 8) Ladies, please tell us when it's a week before you start your period. A simple, "I might be a little moody for the next week," will suffice. We will gladly overlook the odd outbursts due to hormonal imbalances til that week is passed. 9) Men, when your spouse/gf says, "I might be a little moody for the next week," make a mental note and when she seems to overreact over something stupid or starts crying because the mail got delivered 5 minutes late that week, you'll know what it is. And don't tell anyone else, just shut up and keep it to yourself. She doesn't want you announcing it to the whole world that she's PMS'ing. 10) Make time for each other. Even if it's the 30 minutes before you go to bed so the kids are finally upstairs, take that time just for the two of you. Guys, shut up and listen to her once in a while. You might just learn something about her, and besides, she'll appreciate it. Ladies: surprise us with sex when we least expect it. We know you're tired, cranky, and not in the mood because Johnny is sick with the flu. Surprise every so often (not once every six months, either). We will remember this if you do it often enough. Really. Finally, guys and ladies - learn to overlook the little shit that doesn't matter. Celebrate the little successes you have. Compliment each other daily. Tell them you love them. Say out loud that you appreciate what they do for you. Make sure they know that they are important to you. Do this even on the days that they have pissed you off. It takes effort on your part, yes. But in the long run, life is so much easier and better when the person you should be closest to really is close to you, and is your advocate when things are shitty, your cheerleader when things are awesome, and your best friend all the time. It really is a journey together. Have fun and enjoy the ride with them. Life's too short not to do that. Cheers!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Somewhere in reality <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-12T15:15:27-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/507274572.html Things I've learned text To All Of The Cute Girls Who End Up Fucking My Roommates - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/493929808.html You know me as the quiet roommate. As my two roommates prance around, swearing loudly and generally making asses of themselves, I sit in the armchair reading my copy of Slaughterhouse 5. As they pour you a screwdriver, I'll wonder meekly if anyone would partake in merely a cup of orange juice. Yes, the ice cube is still an option. When one of them finds a terribly unsubtle reason to show off his tattoos, and the other a chance to flex his pop-culture muscles, toned from living in all ten years of the nineties (LIVING! IMAGINE THAT!), I'll briefly make eye contact with you and wonder what would happen if we were to meet under any other circumstances. At the Art Institute, that custom Cupcakes place on Wellington, the cinema or maybe the street (imagine that!). Then I remember, you always end up fucking my roommate, who'll never talk to you again. As a result, the next time you see me on the street, you'll glare at me, and a little more of my self-esteem with get whittled away. Too bad my roommates don't suffer vicariously through me. So, please. Stop fucking my roommates. For the love of God- don't get drunk with them, don't let them show you their tattoos, don't sit next to them on the couch and shrug when they begin to drape their arm around you, don't let them finger you, or go anywhere near your holiest of holies. Show some goddamn restraint instead of becoming yet another notch on their beds. The casualty list this month is nine or ten, I don't really remember. Stop fucking my roommates. Stop fucking my roommates. Stop fucking my roommates (imagine it!). If you write that down, you'll remember it better. Do not fuck them, do not pass Go. Go straight to low self esteem, yours and mine. Stop fucking my roommates. Thank you.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Chicago <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-29T22:54:05-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/493929808.html To All Of The Cute Girls Who End Up Fucking My Roommates - m4w text A Letter of Thanksgiving to Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/481299623.html Dear Craigslist, You have blessed my life in so many ways, I feel that I should publicly recognize your committment to my wellbeing. When I have needed a place to live, you have provided numerous options and twice led me unto the perfect apartment at the right price. You then showed me the way to furniture and conveyed to the masses when I placed said furniture into the alley behind my apartment because it wasn't worth moving to the new place. You have helped me sell countless housewares: toaster ovens, small electronics, a box of string. When I needed a haircut or highlights, you provided students from swanky salons to craft stylish bobs or honey undertones for free or only materials. When I was lonely, you brought me Strictly Platonic friends, when I was thirsty, men to buy me beer and when I was hungry, men to buy nice dinners. When I was horny, you sent an abundance of men ready to bone me, and then leave without my having to come up with a nice way to ask them to go. If I were to put all of the unsolicited penis pictures into a cup, it would surely runneth over. Oh, and that guy who took me on that date to the strip club and bought me lap dances who I then gave head against a public school 2 blocks from my house at 3am? Thanks for him especially. When I was ready to look for love, you sent (after a bit of trial and error) an attractive attorney who wants to settle down and has red body hair that makes my heart flutter. And when he told me that he wanted a threesome, you brought forth a suburban soccer mom with a rockin' body who was looking for adventure and was in town on business. Your kindness knows no bounds. Yes, there are many fakes and flakes and spam pollutes your postings. Yes, many who seek your beneficence would benefit from a spell check function and intensive study of Strunk & White. But you show that everyone has the right to communicate with the world at large, regardless of how incomprehensible that attempt may be. You embrace all, without question, freely. In this time of thanks, when we contemplate all that is good in our lives, Craigslist, I wish to recognize that the world is better for having you in it.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Chicago and Beyond <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-16T21:45:32-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/481299623.html A Letter of Thanksgiving to Craigslist text RANT: Why I Hate Port a Potties http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/461379703.html I have been working for Habitat for Humanity doing construction for the past 10 months, and while I love my job, by far the worst part is dealing with port a potties. Yesterday, I was at the worksite and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I went into our port-a-potty and sat down to poo. For anyone who has used port-a-potties a lot, you know that one of the terrible side effects, aside from the general grossness of port a potties, is the feeling of blue chemically laced pee/poo sludge water from previous users splashing back in/on your butt as you drop one from about three feet up. To deal with this, I have come up with a variety of techniques, including my favorite, placing a little toilet paper raft into the poo hole to catch your poo and drop it gently into the vat of shit, however this isn't always possible when the shit vat has not yet changed phase from liquid --&gt; solid sludge. I also try to shape my poo into longer logs in order to lessen the drop and reduce impact upon point of contact with liquid. So there I was, trying to wiggle my butt into a long log of poop, when it broke off in the middle and *splash*, there goes the most vile filth splashing everywhere on my ass. It is times like this recently when I pause, sigh, and ask God why he does these things when I am trying to do good things for the world and be a good person. I reach over to the toilet paper roll to wipe off this nastiness as best as I can, and as I do so, pause, sigh, and ask God why he does these things as I notice that there is no toilet paper in the port a potty. After weighing my options for a few seconds, I realize I'm just going to have to zip up and deal. As I'm pulling up my pants, feeling this gross sludge drip down my leg, and having an existentialist moment questioning life, I walk ten feet over to our government van to see if there is any sort of paper product I can use to wipe up without my coworkers noticing. I spend about five minutes looking around, and the most absorbent thing I have found up to this point is a bunch of crayola crayon wrappers, which I am seriously considering stripping off the crayons and using. However, a few moments later I spot out of the corner of my eye a cottonny-looking thing. It is a maxi pad. "No, I can't do this," I think to myself. "This is beyond ridiculous." But ridiculous times cause for ridiculous deeds, and I think What Would MacGuyver Do as I grab the pad and go back to the port a potty. After wiping myself off, I look at this blue water stained, poo stained, pee stained maxi pad and think, "What on earth am I going to do with this thing?" I think back to high school chemistry class and buoyancy vs. density. Will this maxi pad float above the shit-water and mock me, being visible to everyone else who uses the port a potty for the rest of the week? Or will it sink mercifully to the bottom, hiding all evidence of my grossness? It is a tough and thoughtful decision, but eventually I guess that the pad will sink, and boy am I happy when I am right! This temporary joy is fleeting, though, as I realize how pathetic I have become at being happy that my shit-stained maxi pad is sinking to my cheers and fist-pumping adulation - that is why I HATE port a potties.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: The Green One <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-27T13:44:15-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/461379703.html RANT: Why I Hate Port a Potties text A special invitation to Angie Jolie http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/396835279.html Angie, Welcome to Chicago! I've been following you and your family via the Sun-Times. You went to the Field Museum - I bet your kids and Brad loved it! Hope you're enjoying our city. We love having you and your family here. But, I have to confess: Like 99% of bi and gay girls, I have a bit of a crush on you. Ever since Gia (which was just great, btw). I mean, not in a stalker-ish "Constant Craving" type of way - but just a crush. So, if you find that you have some time available and would like to give the kids to dreamy Bradly for a few hours, I would be glad to come by your hotel suite and do whatever it is that you want - and trust me, whatever you want would be great with me! No pressure. I also read where you're off of girls at this point in your life to concentrate on family - That's great! Really, really great. But, if you think back - nothing feels like a girl, right? So, if you want to "fall off wagon" here in town, I just want to let you know I would be willing to be that girl. Really. Truly. Honestly. You wouldn't even have to pay my cab fare - it's on me. E-me. *kiss kiss* (P.S. I have some friends I could bring with if you want - no pressure. And if I do come by, could I have just one pic of you and me together? You're the best.) <img src=396835279.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Chicago <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-14T11:50:55-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/396835279.html A special invitation to Angie Jolie text To All the People Looking for Writers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/385680476.html It's great that you have decided to start a blog, or a new webzine, or to publish your latest book, however it is damn nervy to ask writers to commit to writing articles (such as the gaming people who want FIVE articles per week) for free. A professional writer doesn't need "exposure", they need money. Professional writers don't waste time working on spec for startups, they only work on spec for established publications. Would you ask a hairdresser to style your hair for free because you couldn't pay them but offer them the "exposure" of telling everyone who did your hair? If you want professional writers - PAY THEM.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Chicago <li> Compensation: "Exposure" is a joke <li> Telecommuting is ok. <li> Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li> Please, no phone calls about this job! <li> Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-30T20:43:22-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/385680476.html To All the People Looking for Writers text To the dude who answers the phone at Big Cheese Pizza http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/367480756.html So this is a little silly, but your phone manner is rockin'. You are so well-spoken. You have this cute way of chuckling, which makes you sound slightly unsure of yourself, even though you must talk to a million assholes a day and are excellent at your job. Not only have you never fucked up my pizza, but you make me feel like my pizza order is the only pizza order that matters. That, my friend, is totally hot. I'll bet you wear glasses, can fold 8,000 pizza boxes in less than a minute, make funny faces while you're answering the phones, and, incidentally, are great in the sack. So, even though I have never seen you, you are my official delivery-food crush. Other pizza places have been deleted from my phone. Father and Son has been sending me these "We Miss You! We Haven't Heard From You In a While!" coupons. Friendship Chinese is almost totally forgotten, as is Thai Spice. Festa, Vito Angelo's--all gone. And Little Clown Pizzeria is an even bigger joke than it was before. In my dreams, someday it will be YOU who actually delivers the pizza to my apartment and stands in the vestibule for the rather-awkward exchange of money for cheese, dough, and tomato sauce. I know that you're not the delivery guy--you're the dude who answers the phone. But don't you think it would be nice someday to try something wacky and trade jobs with the delivery guy? Just to keep things "fresh?" Only it is important that on this day, the day when you guys trade jobs, you let me know in advance. I am not sure how this will work out--I don't think you have any way of contacting me. But it is very important that on the day when you trade jobs with the delivery guy that I do not come to the door in old cook's pants which I have turned into pajamas and a Styx T-shirt, like I always do for the regular delivery guy, since he is not my type. Now, I don't want you to think that I am some loser who orders pizza every night and listens to Styx. No. I am well-educated, attractive, and intelligent. I like to cook at home. A friend gave me the Styx T-shirt, and it's actually pretty cool. It's just that I work in a restaurant, and sometimes, I don't feel like doing a damn thing when I get done with a shift. Not a damn thing, that is, except calling you to order a pizza. So, give some thought to the job-trade thing. You've seen all those pornos, right? Pizza Delivery Guy? Phone Repairman Guy? Notice that it's only the dudes who actually make the house calls who are in these pornos? If you don't come out from behind that phone, how are you ever going to get laid? Or maybe we can just split the pizza and see how things progress from there. Very Sincerely Yours, Pepperoni, Mushroom, and Onion  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Logan Sq. <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-05T21:43:39-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/367480756.html To the dude who answers the phone at Big Cheese Pizza text If you're a Trixie, or ever been called one, your Bad Boy is Waiting http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/363233143.html What can I say? I suddenly feel like dating a nice, old fashioned, Chicago trixie. I'm talking about a clear-skinned, midwestern, size three, C-cup beauty with a thing for Amstel Light and nice straight teeth. She has a bachelors in something innocuous and irons her shirts before work. She likes pretty shoes and designer jeans. She lives in a condo and never makes eye contact with anyone during those loathsome trips on the El (well, when she's not driving her Acura or Volkswagon to DSW). She's a shameless flirt at rooftop barbecues and owns at least or two pieces of jewelry from Tiffany's. And so what? I'm tired of dating tattooed chicks with a thing for ironic clothes who work at shitty bars and spend Tuesday night bowling. I'm sick of hearing about the latest indy band and meeting their dopey, stoned friends who also happen to be in lame indy bands. Fuck that. Fuck the ironic t-shirts and crappy underwear. I'm after a sweet, innocent trixie who's heart isn't black and who was more than $13.79 in her checking account. She's got some stellar lingerie and a healthy "slut in the bedroom" mentality that nobody would ever suspect at her work. I'm all the fuck-up our relationship will ever need. I'm the bad boy. The artist. The eternal, hopeless intellect with the drinking hobby who inevitably stays out too late on weekdays. I'm the one who'll forget to call, but will make for it up by bringing you a wonderfully creative assortment of flowers that I scavenged from the ally behind the local florist. I could be a fuck-wit chad but I disdain that type. You could date a fuckwit chad but you're sick and tired of passionless evenings, his boring friends, the same old shit, the lack of creativity, and his boring fat ass. You'll like me because I have my masters degree and a creative career, yet I prefer cheap beer. I come from an affluent town on the east coast but I prefer my cruddy apartment in a not-so-exciting part of Chicago. I'm athletic, in great shape and well built, but I think softball teams are for pussies. I write. I paint. I can fix your fucked-up shower door. I can change your oil. I can kill your spiders. But I'll never wear one of those goddamn striped shirts or wear a backwards baseball hat. I won't discuss Cubs stats. I won't watch most TV. And I've never seen any of the sequels to American Pie. I might get a second tattoo or get certified in welding just for fun. My folks are still married. My sisters have kids and husbands and live in the suburbs. My background probably isn't much different from yours. But I've always chosen the "fuck you" Lincoln Park, Fuck you Starbucks, fuck you Crate and Barrel point of view, and decidedly spent my time at dive bars, with rough people, seeking the sureal experiences, living beneath my means, getting dirt beneath my fingernails, dating people I shouldn't, and living life as it should befully examinedbut I've never given you trixies a chance. Until now. So allow me to introduce myself. I want to be the bad boy. I want you to be the good girl. Your girlfriends with their crappy boyfriends will secretly envy you. Their crappy boyfriends will secretly fear me. Our chemistry will sizzle as our opposite stations ignite a firestorm of passion, roaringly good sex, thoroughly interesting conversation, endless possibilities, long nights out or ass-kicking Scrabble games, and the potential for something long, smart and hot. I'm white, Irish, live in Wicker Park, 5'10, great blue eyes, naturally straight teeth, with a penchant for writing too much. So there you go. Your smart, well-educated, terminally dissatisfied, open-minded, rough around the edges, good hearted guy is waiting for you...and you're his classic, midwestern, upper-middle class beauty who's ready to take a chance. Send a picture. Or don't. I'm not sure how it works with you trixies. But I can't wait to find out.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Wicker Park <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-29T16:13:55-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/363233143.html If you're a Trixie, or ever been called one, your Bad Boy is Waiting text Let us frolic in my totally dope blanket fort http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/291079504.html Yes, I know what youre saying, dude, that blanket fort sucks. That would not be the first time Ive heard such short-sighted criticism. Its structural integrity is dubious at best and there isnt a whole lot of headroom. But cmon, its not like Im a freakin architect or anything. Besides, this little baby is just a prototype. I have vast resources of cushions for anchoring and blankets in order to maximize square footage. My living room is just waiting to be turned into a totally sweet labyrinth of love. I am very open to suggestions in respect to design and construction, as Id like this fort to be a shared vision. Much like the Taj Mahal, its intended that this little beauty will be inspired by a very special lady. Once our shelter is erected, we can move in and work on some of our higher order needs. Or we could just order a pizza and tell ghost stories. Please email me with a picture if you want to be invited to this living room party. It will be sweet. PS: Im allowed to have sleepovers.  <img src=291079504.1.jpg> <img src=291079504.2.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: living room <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-09T10:31:52-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/291079504.html Let us frolic in my totally dope blanket fort text RANT: Middle-Aged Women complaining about sex! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/278645974.html I am sooooo f'ing tired about middle-aged women who complain about sex! First off, as a guy, we have so much pressure on us to perform it's unreal! Can I get a "hard on"? How long can I last? Can I make her orgasm SEVERAL times? Can I stay awake afterwards?!!!!! WTF!!! Do you women realize the enormous amount of work needed to have sex at 40?!!!!! Let's go back to our teenage years WHEN I COULDN"T KEEP MY HANDS OFF OF YOU!!! Recall when I wanted to have sex in the stairway, at the bus stop, during gym under the bleachers, after school before my parents got home, in the parked car, and even climb through your window at night while your parents were asleep?!!!! AND THAT WAS ALL IN ONE DAY!!! Hell, I could last for hours, shoot my load, and be ready to go again in 15 minutes!!! But what did I hear from you, a young, demure, selfish, cock tease?!!! "No...wait till tomorrow.", "Let's just cuddle.", "The cat is watching.", and the classic "Is that all you think i'm good for?"!!!!! Well ladies, the shoe is on the other foot and guess what? I'm tired!!! I'm tired from sheer exhaustion of chasing your cock teasing ass for the last 25 years!!!! Constantly, going home with "blue balls" and "whacking off" because you want me to "respect you in the morning"!!!! Well guess what years of cock abuse has done to my sex drive?!!!! Yes ladies, it's your fault I have no interest in sex! Not getting any and whacking off to porn for 25 years has desensitized my nerve endings to the point that I feel nothing from my navel to my knees!!!! Fantasizing about every possible way of f'ing your brains out has distorted reality for me!!! You, walking in with nothing on under a fur coat pales in comparison to me fantasizing about you rimming my ass while I fuck your sister in front of 18,000 adoring fans at the United Center!!!! It's your fault for teasing away the most potent years of my life. You should have taken advantage of my erections from your cat jumping on my crotch when you had the chance, but nooooooo!!!! You wanted to babysit your neice and "pretend" we were a family!!!! Now, in the height of your sex drive, you want muah to pin your legs behind your ears after a long day at work, and give it to you for more than 10 minutes a month?!!!!! PUH-LEASE!!!! Nope! You see...now you will suffer the same inglorious defeat I experienced many moons ago. So....go to 'The Exotic Emporium', get yourself a multi-speed, gyrating, flesh feeling, thingamabob, a handful of Peter North dvds, and come up with creative ways to sneak aroud the house and have yourself a little "Par-tay"!!!! Otherwise, be prepared to wine me, dine me, take me golfing, and stroke my little ego until I'M IN THE MOOD!!! And...don't give me that crap about going out and getting some "young, dumb, and full of cum" kid. I'll divorce your ass so fast your fallopians will get twisted!!! AND afterward, I will get the chance to re-live those glory years with some young, nubile, tight bodied, coed looking for a sugar daddy! (Even if it is once a month!) Better than thinking of her while trying to have sex with your old, sagging, "has-been" ass!!! So, the next time you think about making some smart ass remark like, "Mr. 5 minute man.", or "I didn't even get started." just remember that 25 years of neglect is the reason why Mr. Willie doesn't get excited to see you anymore!!!!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-02-14T11:44:13-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/278645974.html RANT: Middle-Aged Women complaining about sex! text Et tu Toilet? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/271787782.html I have a job. It's not the greatest job, but it's a job. I wear ties to work everyday, even toss on a suit for a couple days each week. I have my own office, things are going well. However, my company's office is only one of about 5 on the floor of our building. As such, there's only a floor bathroom, one that we share with all the other companies. I'd estimate there are about 12 other guys on the floor using the restroom. Now, when I use a sit down toilet, I tend to not stray. The urinals, they are cheap bar skanks: you take the first one that will accept your penis, use it, wash your hands and leave. But a toilet, that's a relationship. It takes time to build trust. For the past couple months, I've been building that relationship with Toilet #5, the one on the right hand wall. It's been a good relationship; there is always TP, Toilet #5 looks good (clearly takes care of itself), I always flush. It's everything you could want in a relationship. Then today... I walked in, and what do i see? A Redeye lying used on the floor of my Toilet #5. At first, I tell myself that it is probably just overflow from Toilet #4, which has really let itself go; cracked porceloin, no TP, sweats just sitting there, not the type of toilet I want. So I slowly enter, and I see it. The evidence is right there in front of my face, all over Toilet #5. I had always knew in the back of my mind that Toilet #5 was getting some action on the side. But I figured it was from someone like me, a good looking person with a decent diet. Someone who flushes. I was wrong. Et tu Toilet?  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: chicago <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-02-01T11:18:13-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/271787782.html Et tu Toilet? text Merry Maids: we ain't THAT merry... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/268061591.html In fact, we're not merry at all. This is for all people who have cleaning services, not just merry maids customers. If you have a cleaning service, a housekeeper, or are thinking about employing one, there are a couple things I would looove to point out to you. Let's call them tips from the expert, shall we? 1. MAIDS, NOT MIRACLE WORKERS - If your brat of screaming bastard child spills grape juice on your white counters and your lazy ass lets it sit there for a WEEK, don't bitch at me when your counters have a wonderful purple hue to them even after I scrub it. If you haven't dusted your shelves or scrubbed your tubs in the five fucking years you've lived in your shit hole, IT'S NOT GOING TO SPARKLE AFTER ONE CLEANING, SORRY. It's called UPKEEP, people. In the wonderful time between your cleanings, take a vacuum to the carpets, dust a lil something, if you miss the toilet WIPE IT UP. Otherwise, don't expect me to pull out my magic maid wand and turn your place from a pumpkin to a carriage. 2. YOU ARE NOT, I REPEAT NOT, BETTER THAN ME - You know how I know this? Because we snoop. We snoop through everything you fucking own. I know about the kinky sex toys you have under your bed, the naked pictures you have of yourself in the desk drawer and I've heard the bill collectors leave messages on your answering machine. I clean houses because it's putting me through college, not because I love finding used condoms under your sofa cushions. (Which, by the way, I fucking adore little presents like that. It's almost as if you left them there just for me; like little love letters slipped into my locker in high school. le sigh.) One day, I'll be a computer programmer and I wont have to pick up after you. Until then, don't talk to me like I'm a fuck ass idiot slave. 3. TIP, TIP, TIP - I understand that you have to shell out 200 bucks a cleaning. I agree, it is a ridiculous price. Guess how little of that $200 I actually see? VERY FUCKING LITTLE. You tip the mailman, your waitress, the guy who put in that hideous carpet, and you even throw a couple bucks at the homeless guy downtown but you don't tip the maid who cleans the piss off of your toilets? For shame. Also, houses that tip get cleaned better. Oh, is that a surprise to you? It's called incentive, ass hat. 4. "MERRY" IS A CORPORATE BULLSHIT TERM - Please, don't ask me to smile like a "merry maid", little old lady. You're nice, really you are, and you're one of the better customers. I love the cookies you leave for us. It's better than a shitty two dollar tip. But I didn't put the merry in merry maids, and I'm not especially excited about cleaning your house so please, please, please don't give me shit about being merry. I'm always nice; I ask all my customers how it's going and tell them that their shit head kid gets cuter by the day. Isn't that enough??? If this post makes even one person tip their maid, it was worth it. If this post makes even one person cancel service, it was definitely worth it. :)  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: your dirty house <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-01-24T23:20:32-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/268061591.html Merry Maids: we ain't THAT merry... text Please, Craig, For the Love of God!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/251646448.html Craig, Your R&R used to be the best. I could take a quick break from work, hear some silly stories of shit that happened to some silly people, maybe catch a few hot descriptions of people's love lives, find out what eateries/shows/bands/celebrities really sucked or were great, and maybe catch a few snarky and humorous photoshop jobs. Also, people anonymously bitching about their bosses/coworkers/wives/husbands/kids/parents etc. and occasionally getting some sound and/or stupid advice from other random, anonymous folks. Now it's all just assholes!! What GETS me, Craig, is all the bickering back and forth. It's not rants or raves, or anything like it. Especially the political stuff. Thinking you're gonna convince anyone to change their mind about politics on an anonymous board is about as stupid as thinking some girl will date you because you send her a picture of your cock. Example of a valid rant: Rant: George Bush signed new legislation today that does x, y, and z. It is brutal, and here's why. Or, Rave: George Bush signed new legislation today that does a, b, and c. It's awesome, and here's why. Example of something that RUINS R&R: FUCK you, you stupid (neocon/liberal/wingnut/loonylib) ASSHOLE. You are fucking retarded!! HAHAHAHA / WAWAWAWAWA / here is a picture of you, dork! No, here is a picture of you, dork! Please suck my cock! No, please suck your own cock! You are ruining our country! Well, you are supporting the terrorists! You are an idiot! No, you are an idiot! No, you are an idiot! Well, you are a moron! You are a crybaby! You are an asshole! I am right! No, I am right! No, I am right! No, I am right! Here is my plan, Craig. PLEASE put some kind of functionality under the "miscategorized" flag button, with a drop-down or something, so that I can say "miscategorized - political" and then, if enough people do the same, it will not get deleted, just moved into the POLITICS section where it BELONGS!!! CRAP, WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT, PEOPLE! All this idiotic bickering is ruining something that used to be great. Thanks, your pal, Me.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> Location: craigslist <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-12-20T13:42:35-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/251646448.html Please, Craig, For the Love of God!! text To all the people in my apartment complex http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/250638700.html I know we don't live in the poshest place. I understand that our lovely little faux-ski-lodgy pine tree infested area is surrounded by dingy crappy apartment complexes where there's always shootings and stuff. So, my dear friends, here's a few hints on how not to sink to that level. 1) Black Dude across the hall: I have no problem with you. You and your hot black girlfriend are very nice, and have killed any remnants of racism I had. Just to let you know: everyone can smell your weed in the hall. I smoke weed, too, but I put the towel by the crack in the door so it doesn't drift out. Unless you guys like the cops here - let's try to control the smoke output. Oh, and come on over anytime for some of the good green. Bring your girlfriend. 2) Guy Who Takes Up Two Spaces with your Piece of Shit Car: As you know, parking spots are at a premium on our side of the complex. I have a nice car, and I've not gotten one door ding while living here. Please have faith in your neighbors. If you do not stop this, I will break off your crappy Murray's stick-on spoiler and shove it through your windshield, or possibly up your ass. Thank you. 3) My Indian Neighbors Next Door: I have no problems with you. You keep to yourselves, and that's ok. However, everyone can smell your cooking spices constantly. Please use your vent fan above your stove. I promise it will not break the bank when the electric bill comes. If the constant stench continues I will be forced to retaliate with some good ol' Anglo cabbage cookin'. You won't like that. 4) Mt. Prospect's Finest Police Officers: Thank you for making frequent patrols around our complex. It really does ease my mind to know that about every 1/2 hour, one of you guys cruises through. Please, though, stop using our parking lot for nappy-time. It looks bad, and gives criminals a free ticket to theft-dom. My cop friends tell me that behind malls, restaurants, or closed businesses are much better places to nap than smack in the middle of a busy apartment complex. 5) Guy Who Jams Hillbilly Music on Weeknights: I love country. More importantly, I love country LOUD. Remember that Saturday this summer, we had the hillbilly music volume contest? That was cool. You struck first with some Hank Jr, I fired back with Flatt and Scruggs, and it was all downhill from there. I know we've never spoken, but I think we share a bond from the music. Now that this bond is in place, please stop playing that shit late night on weeknights. I have to sleep, and no amount of Merle Haggard at 80 db will make that happen. 6) Hot Older Wife Upstairs: Please stop hitting on me. You are very attractive in a hagged-out Motley Crue video slut sort of way, and your husband is rarely home. Quit "bumping into me" in the laundry room, parking lot, or front office, and trying to start conversations. You see, there will be a time very soon that I will no longer be able to resist your tight 80's jeans-clad sumptiously large camel toe, and I will rip your pants off right there in the laundry room, throw you onto the washer, and bury my tongue into that deep and hopefully slimy crevasse. I do not think my girlfriend or your husband would like that very much, so let's not shit where we eat, OK? Yes, I will help you carry your laundry up to your place; but I will not come in for "just one drink." I'll let you know if my conscience drops. 7) Mexicans: I know there is a salary requirement to live here; from that same piece of information, I know that you are not dirtbag, drug dealing, gang banging Mexicans. I like your fancy pickup trucks, and I like your hot little latina girlfriends. Please, oh please, stop bumping the carnival music in the parking lot. It makes me feel like I live in Acapulco, 'cept for there's no beaches or mountains here. Just Vatos blasting that Mexi-polka shit. Blast it out on Busse - blast it in your apartment - they're well insulated, nobody can hear it anyway - but please stop in the parking lot. 8) Guy Near Me with the Neurotic, Barking Dog: I understand that dogs will be dogs, and dogs bark. YELLING at your barking dog at 3AM to STOP BARKING does not help. I am near insanity with the barking... barking... barking... YELLING... more barking. I am a dog lover, but also a gun owner. Please do not force me to become a dog hater and a gun user. Thank you.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> Location: Forest Cove <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-12-18T12:22:14-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/250638700.html To all the people in my apartment complex text Reasons I Do Not Have a Girlfriend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/222173710.html Here, my faceless friends, are some of the reasons I do not have a girlfriend. I'm not one to complain, and this indeed is not a complaint at all. I usually enjoy the spoils of the single life. This is simply a list that, for some reason, I am sharing out of boredom. 1) I'M SHORT... OK, I'm not like midget short. Just short. Like 5'6"... roughly the same height as my grandmother, which is rather humbling to know. Sure, there's apparently like 3 women in America who like short guys, but c'mon, everyone knows they are probably kinda weird. Or they weren't hugged enough as a child. Or they have some odd fetish, or a third arm or something. (muahahaha now I'll get emails from all sorts of women claiming they like short guys... my plan is working splendidly...) 2) I'M HILARIOUS... Sadly though, I'm hilarious in a weird way. Not in the I-keep-pictures-of-barnyard-animals-in-my-closet-with-hearts-drawn-around-them kind of weird, but in a sometimes-people-don't-know-how-to-respond kind of way. Which is fun for me. Because I enjoy awkwardness... 3) I DON'T HAVE TO SHAVE REGULARLY... I'm in my 20s. I still do not have to shave everyday, and I couldn't grow a beard if I was paid to. Now, some women may consider this cute. Thank you. But how cute will it be when you wake up next to me in the morning, and for just a *split second* you think you are waking up next to your little brother? Trust me, it's traumatic and creepy for both you and for me. 4) I'M BROKE...ISH... Today I learned I have negative money in my checking account. That's always awesome to hear. Thankfully, I keep more than one account and was able to correct things quickly (since I'm so respondible), but still, it was scary. You know what else this means though, right? I like to do things and go out to places that don't cost a lot of money. So, I'm sorry, but there will not be any $100 bottles of wine or fine dinners consisting of steamed orchids and roasted virgin lamb or something expensive sounding like that. I mean, I'll spring for more than McDonalds... I do have SOME pride, but seriously... Do I look like I am made out of money? Well, I'll answer for you (since you can't see me). No, no I do not look like I am made out of money.... yet.... 5) I CAN'T COOK... Every single girl I know says that a guy who can cook is sexy. Well, to be blunt, I cannot cook. At all. I rely heavily on my microwave, pizza delivery, and carry-out places exclusively. The last three times I have tried to use the oven, things have caught on fire. Seriously. And I have never used my stove. Ever. Also, I cannot dance well. I know that has nothing to do with cooking, but both are sexy qualities I do not posess. 6) I SUCK AT DOING THE LAUNDRY... Much like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. So, like George and his cherry tree, I must confess that I don't do laundry very often. It's not that I walk around in dirty clothes, because I don't. I dress very well and actually get complimented on it from time to time. It's just that I have the philosophy that most things aren't dirty after wearing them only once. Is that normal? Or is that just me? I don't know. 7) I READ... A lot. Many types of things too. Most people would consider being well read a good thing. I do too, usually. However, it seems that my success rate with meeting women who also like to read - but who aren't also shockingly unattractive in one way or another - is rather slim. I find that most people who read profusely are either socially inept or weird and boring or ugly. Yes, I realize that statement applies to myself too, so there's no need to point it out to me. 8) I HAVE RIDICULOUS STANDARDS - Um, let's be honest... how many sexy European women out there would go for someone like me? Or even hot women in general? Actually, I prefer beautiful or cute to hot. But those women always seem to be taken. 9) I'M CUTE... yes, it's true. Or so I am told. Cute cute cute. Unfortunately however, I am not like Orlando Bloom meets Brad Pitt meets Jake Gyllenhall cute. Nope... instead, I am cute like your baby nephew. It hasn't actually happened yet, but I'm convinced that people are just dying to pinch my cheeks and mess up my hair when they see me. It's only a matter of time. So yes, I'm cute, but not in the actually attractive kind of way. Which sucks. 10) I'M WRITING THIS ON CRAIGSLIST... Enough said. But hey, YOURE the one reading it :) HA! Take THAT! So, there you have it. I don't mean to offend anyone or to start a debate. Obviously, this was done very tongue-in-cheek. I just wanted to write a list. There are plenty of positive things about me too, but the thought of writing this list occured to me today while taking a shower. And everyone knows that usually our best ideas come while in the shower. So I just HAD to write this. Good night :)  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Chicago <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-10-17T23:19:25-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/222173710.html Reasons I Do Not Have a Girlfriend text Some friendly w4m advice http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/212597559.html I was enjoying my coffee and reading the day's w4m posts and it occurred to me that some of you ladies need some insight into the male mind. With that thought in mind, I offer the following thoughts (sure to p*ss off some) but perhaps helpful to others. 1. Pic Tricks: You say that you are looking for someone at least as intelligent as you and you attach a pic of a sunset or some other girl thing. You have just wasted some perfectly good bandwidth. W4M ads with pics are like the package at Christmas that says open me first. When intelligent men click on the ad and see a flower, they know that you are either manipulative or a complete moron. Neither is attractive to an intelligent man. (There is a very, very rare exception to the moron part of this rule. Most of you do not need to concern yourself with this exception but if you look like and have the brains of Jessica Simpson, fire up AOL and send me an email and I will try to explain in monosyllabic words.) There is no exception to the manipulative portion. 2. Weight: Women are dealt almost all the cards in the dating game. However, they always have to contend with the joker - weight. Not every man is looking for a Paris Hilton; in fact most men think she looks like a boy. However, most men prefer women that aren't corn fed. That doesn't mean that BBWs can't find a guy, there is someone for everyone. Just be honest. How hard is just saying height and weight? Cut the athletic build, curves in the right places crap. Most women like tall guys, most men like slender women - deal with it. Special note to those of you that want to cite average weight figures: America has an obesity problem. 3. Maturity: "Looking for someone mature, age 22 to 26". If you don't see the humor in that statement, please simply say: "Looking for someone that can beat me at Playstation games." 4. Maturity Part II: If you are looking for someone that is mature, it probably is not a good idea to post that you enjoy drinking beers, playing pool and watching the Bears, Cubs, Sox etc. Mature men are looking for a woman not a buddy. Please note the use of the word "probably". In any other city this would be a hard rule but Chicago is a different kind of town. 5. Age: There are some women looking for a father figure and there are some Mrs. Robinsons. No problem. I hope they find who they are looking for. However, generally women are looking for a guy that is a few years older than them and men vice versa. There are many logical reasons for this preferred age range. Unfortunately, this does not change when you get older. When you were 21, you were looking for someone 22 to 27. Now that you are 35, as painful as it may be to admit your age range might include some men in their 40s, you will have much better luck than if you try to magically roll back father time by looking for a 27 to 34 year old. 6. Education: Ok, I understand using education as a rough barometer of intelligence and success but don't forget you are excluding the Bill Gates of the world. Know anyone that has multiple degrees and is a moron? I do. 7. Clichés: At some point in time, a prehistoric women picked up a piece of flint and scrawled "Looking for a partner in crime" or "soul mate" or "boyfriend applications accepted". She was original. In the vernacular of the internet: you be too. 8. Clichés Part II: You like good food and love to laugh. What a refreshing change of pace! Men get so tired of women that like moldy bread and want someone to make them sad. Like to travel? Great, I have to leave for LA in the morning and then take the red eye back to Chicago will you go for me? The ultimate in clichés: "Are you man enough to handle me"? No! 9. Clichés Part III: You wont be disappointed. Great, my search for a universal truth is over. 10. The laundry list: Five paragraphs of what you want and not a word about yourself. Please get your cat from a shelter. 11. Emails without pics will be deleted: In a perfect world this would be a reasonable statement. However, the world is not perfect and that intelligent, professional guy that you are looking for just may not want his pic on the internet. There are some of us that aren't attached or have anything to hide but we really don't want to send a pic to a co-worker or assistant. Or find our pic on the M4M site. You want to be friends first, right? So if there isn't any chemistry (a misnomer) what have you lost? I personally think women should feel the same way about their pics. 12. Single moms: There are a lot of stepfathers in the world - good stepfathers. Having a child doesn't freak every guy out. However, the good guys understand that your child is important; you don't need to say he/she comes first. It is not a contest. Also, don't post a pic with your kid. It is just plain creepy. You are supposed to be protecting that kid and posting him/her on the internet is just plain WRONG. A guy shouldn't even meet your kid until he has been thoroughly vetted. Special Bonus: This does not apply to most of you but for the "Looking for a sugar daddy" or "someone to take two sexy girls to dinner" crowd, you need to understand supply and demand. There is a very limited supply of what you are looking for. Gucci doesn't care what their customers look like, neither should you. I know, I need to go f**k myself.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around dating pool <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-26T15:12:27-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/212597559.html Some friendly w4m advice text Are you an actuary? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/207209911.html Ive given a bit of thought to what kind of man I want to date, and Ive determined that an actuary would be a good match for me. (Yes, Im serious.) So, why an actuary? Lets not beat around the bush: I love nerds. Actuaries know math in and out. They take half-days on Friday to study for their CAS/SOA tests. Their analytical skills are top-notch. Now add to it that they need decent social skills to meet the jobs communications requirements. In sum, actuaries are well-rounded business people who know how to write formulas. <center>Math + Business = HOT</center> And why would an actuary be interested in me? <ul> <li> Im fiercely independent. When youre busy studying, Im not going to distract you by calling every 15 minutes to see if youre done yet. I have a great group of friends I see regularly, read a few books per week, run marathons, sing in a chorus, and volunteer in my spare time. Im always on the go, and Id love someone with similar time commitments who will appreciate that Im not in your business all the time.</li> <li> Im stable. Career, home owner, good friends, well-read, healthy lifestyle, educated, debt-free, hobbies and outside interests, church membership, no criminal record or mental health issues, etc., etc., etc.</li> <li> Im posting an ad in a public forum saying that being an actuary is a turn-on. How often does that happen?</li> </ul> The small print: Actuaries only. Have similar qualities to those I have listed in the Im stable section. Being able to fix either car, computer, or house stuff is appreciated. Must kill scary bugs. Couch potatoes will be denied. Pic for a pic. No jokes about figuring the probability that well actually end up together. Thats a little too nerdy.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Chicago <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-14T11:19:59-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/207209911.html Are you an actuary? text An Open Letter to My Bedbugs http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/196226851.html Listen up, you heinous little motherfuckers. I am not playing. Before I deliver the grim news of your collective fates, let me give you a brief synopsis of how you have driven me to the brink of insanity over the last three months. Here it is. Unfortunately, because I am paying over $400 a month in student loans and am therefore very cheap, I made the mistake of accepting a used mattress from a coworker to put on top of my new bed frame and box springs. So. You and I have, by my calculations, been residing together since May. MAY. That's when I unwittingly brought you and your home into my bedroom. That's when I became your new food source. Your "host." You guys are pretty tricky, I have to tell you. I mean, when I started seeing little purple dots on my toes in the morning, I did what you wanted me to do, which was to blame them on anything and everything under the sun except you. This is because I was wholly unaware that such hideous creatures as yourselves existed. I figured it was a spider, so I vacuumed profusely. Then I thought it was mosquitos, so I busted out the Off. Nothing seemed to be working. But you know this already, don't you? Yes, you snacke