Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-08-07T13:15:05-04:00 2 daily Lolcode Developer: YOU CAN HAS CHEEZEBURGER? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/786985559.html YOU CAN HAS CHEEZEBURGER? YOU HAS A FLAVUR? YOU HAS BUKKIT? If so, you may be the right fit for this Columbus Web Design Startup! We are a small company looking for a Senior LOLCode Developer, preferably with at least 3 months experience developing LOLapps. Please send a resume, along with links to any web-based LOLapps you have developed. KTHXBYE <ul> <li> Location: Columbus, OH <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: Equity in our company </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-07T13:15:05-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/786985559.html Lolcode Developer: YOU CAN HAS CHEEZEBURGER? text josh from the frat house on 15th - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/725246623.html I'm pregnant. <ul> <li> Location: campus <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-19T11:24:09-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/725246623.html josh from the frat house on 15th - w4m text An open letter to the person(s) who stole my porch light. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/401268521.html On the evening of Thursday, August 16th, right around bedtime, I thought I heard a bit of commotion out in front of my apartment. This is not unusual, as my neighbors sometimes blow off steam on weeknights by throwing parties, the theme of which seems to be "Scream and Throw Beer Cans In The Yard Until 5am." So I thought nothing of it until I noticed over the weekend that one of the two chandeliers on my porch that I had been using as a porch light had gone missing. Putting two and two together, I now know what happened, and am trying to put together an accurate mental picture of you, the person who took them. I like my stuff, and I like keeping it whenever possible. That said, I understand some thefts. If you are, persay, addicted to something, and you steal something from me because you need to buy that something and stealing is the only way to make that happen, then I get that. I still wish you wouldn't do it, but I get it. Or if you need to feed yourself or your family or your dog and and you need to steal something to do it, then I get that, too. Those are crimes of necessity, however that necessity came about. But that's not the case here. Not even close. As I'm sure you noticed when you got home/sobered up/looked more closely, the chandelier you stole was not a nice one. I got them at a thrift store for a dollar, did a shitty job of painting them white (it's kind of peeling), and was forced to rewire it myself. If memory serves, the one you took was even missing a bulb. So they have no real value. Nobody in their right mind would give you any money for them, and there are many more valuable things laying out in garbage cans or on dark porches all over my street. You stole my porch light to use it. You stole it to decorate. If you were casually walking down my street at night (as I doubt you came in from out of town or state to pull this 'heist'), then chances are, you live around here. Chances are equally good that you could very well afford to purchase your own chandelier instead of stealing mine. Or, maybe you're just trying it out for a bit, and I'll one day find it reinstalled on my porch after you sadly discover that it just doesn't look right in the bathroom, or really pull together the entryway like you'd hoped it might. This is fair warning you to you, then, that I'm keeping my eyes open. I made the damned thing, and I know what it looks like. If I see it on your own porch, I'm taking it back. If i see it in your dining room through a window, you and I are going to have an unpleasant conversation (unlike car thieves or bank robbers, I'm not terribly intimidated by 'chandelier thieves'). Or maybe I'll just take something of yours and use it at my place. Tit for tat. "Theft With Intent To Decorate" is something so unnecesarry, so achingly annoying (and, let's face it, so Victorian Village) that I wish I could run into you someday, just so you could see the face I'd make at you. It's the look on your grandmother's face as you trip her on purpose. It's the look on your parents face when you tell them you were dropping out of college to focus on your "real spiritual development as a person". It's like a whole host of angels coming down and singing "What The Fuck?" all at once. I'm making the face right now, actually. So Bravo!, thief of the night. You have my shitty chandelier. As you bask in it's glow, I hope you feel good about the kind of person you turned out to be.. And if I might suggest it, perhaps remember that it was rewired by me, a less than skilled electrician. So from now on I'll be sitting out nights on my porch, with my one remaining chandelier, hoping that it's partner is out there somewhere, burning your god-damned house down. Sincerely yours, M  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Victorian Village <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-20T07:41:36-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/401268521.html An open letter to the person(s) who stole my porch light. text To the girl with the vagina - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/352440956.html You are a girl, so I am pretty sure you have a vagina. The whole time I was thinking about talking to you, I was also thinking about your sweet, sweet vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina! The word flows off of the tongue like some sort of pagan incantation of carnal delight. I would have loved it if you had wanted me to stick my ding-dong in your furry cookie. If you read this, and you are interested, send me an e-mail. (I know, no one reads these, right!?) But if it is you, describe your vagina to me in detail so I know it is you. Just to be safe, you should also describe your breasts. (Not to be a creep, but I want to be certain that it is you.)   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-14T22:15:25-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/352440956.html To the girl with the vagina - m4w text ALL RESTAURANT SERVERS READ THIS! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/98122505.html To you, disgruntled restaurant employee, I have much to say. I feel your pain. It's a thankless job. I have worked at some truly heinous establishments, both here in Columbus at "upscale" restaurants around Easton and downtown, and at several well-known places in downtown Chicago. You run about like a maniac, your thighs chafing, sweat dripping down the crack of your ass, the grease in the air mingling with your perspiration to give your face what my former co-worker Erik calls "The Shimmer." Your hair smells like a strange mixture of french fries and spinach artichoke dip. Your boss is too coked out to care that your last table left without paying and expects you to cover the bill out of your tips, unless you want to blow him and/or wear nothing but your server apron while he snorts blow off your tits as you whisper restaurant lingo like "on the fly" and "86" into his ear in the sluttiest voice you can muster. I feel your pain. And I understand the lure of the restaurant job. Short, flexible hours and, in comparison to say, a job in retail, a reasonable wage. The ability to receive the phone bill in the mail, realize you can't pay it, and be able to rectify that situation immediately by simply calling up a co-worker and offering to work for them. The ability to get the night off at a moment's notice so you can study for that exam or take care of that sick child or dispose of that decomposing corpse. Free food, oftentimes free alcohol, even more oftentimes free drugs, and still MORE oftentimes free sex with willing co-workers. Ahhh, the joy of the on-the-go blowjob in dry storage--and while we're on the subject, I'd like to give a shout-out to Ryan L., who gave me one of the best rolls in the hay I've ever had against the cold, hard steel of the liquor cage while a table of 14 hags from the Red Hat Society became increasingly incensed about the tardiness of their coffee refills. I understand. But here's the thing. The shitty tipping procedures of the Average Joe will NEVER change. Ever. You are never going to finally "educate" the populace about the importance of fair tipping. Those who get it, get it. Those who don't, don't, and they never will. The one notable exception to this is if they begin fucking someone who is or has been a waiter/waitress. I have found that the only servers successful at changing the tipping procedures of another citizen are the ones who are, in fact, fucking that citizen. The one exception to THIS rule is my mother, who I have simply berated enough times for abusing waitstaff that she is frightened into submission and simply hurls her entire wallet at our server as she crumples into a heap beneath the table, rocking back and forth and sucking her thumb. But these are EXCEPTIONS. This is not a civil rights struggle. This is not a situation where you need to keep hollering and raising hell until you are heard and society is changed. We shall NOT overcome, I assure you. So it's best that you get off of your soapbox and save your breath. You will never convince groups of co-workers to put everything on 1 check or make them understand it takes 10 times as long to cash out a table of 10 than if those 10 people just throw in their own fair share (including tip) into a pile when the check comes. People will never understand that! Instead, do like I did: take the energy you use bitching about it and get a different job. And you know what? I fucking HATE my job. Selling insurance is akin to...well, to hydrating my contact lenses with hydrochloric acid or shaving my nutsack with a dull, rusty garden implement. But you know what? I have money, and plenty of it, I have time to work on my writing and my other super hero skills, and best of all, I don't have to worry about complete strangers ass-raping me and leaving me on the side of the freeway to bleed to death in order to save a dollar on their fucking hamburger by punishing me because I burned my fucking fingers off on a plate in the kitchen and hence took an extra 30 seconds to refill their Diet Coke and bring them that side of ranch that will inevitably make their genitals, at long last, COMPLETELY disappear beneath a mound of abdominal fat. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I am free at last. Get out. Go back to school. Go to a temp agency. Work in a factory. Sell crack. Whatever. Just get out. Because it it ain't gonna change. You are never going to get these non-tipping neanderthals to see the light. Get out before it's too late and you finally snap and blow the fucking head off that asshole who makes you redo his steak three times and then wants a refund, or before you bludgeon that manager to death with a pepper grinder. GET OUT. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-09-17T10:16:59-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/98122505.html ALL RESTAURANT SERVERS READ THIS! text